Wall Street Rejects Short-Term Thinking

Embraces Shorter-Term Thinking

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[Image: NYSE by Flickr user Ernst Moeksis]

This stellar piece of reporting, published earlier in the month at Onionesque news site Red Tractor USA, speaks for itself.

NEW YORK – It was champagne and truffles on Wall Street last Monday as the Dow soared almost two whole points during a five minute period between 9:12 and 9:17 AM, EST. Market analysts assert that the extraordinary surge marks the end of the recent epoch-long depression, and signals a new era of extreme shorter-term thinking in American capitalism.

“We are confident that these amazing 293 seconds signal a full market recovery worthy of lavish celebration,” said stock trader Donald Hughes while lowering a small pistol that had just been pointing at his own head. “Ten minutes ago I had lost all I ever worked for, but now I know that my money is secure in a powerful and revitalized economy that could last all of an hour.”

In direct contrast to the historic recession of 2008, the economic condition following Monday’s Wall Street boom has proven to be one of increased spending and luxury. Many homeowners have already cashed out equity on their homes in order to purchase flat screen televisions, gasoline, and exorbitantly expensive lunches. Top investors are also urging the public to invest money in real estate and the stock market as, according to Warren Buffet, “This is the most stable economy we have witnessed since yesterday afternoon, and could carry us all the way through dinner.”

(Great find, Laura.)

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